Friday, December 9, 2011

defining moment. thud.

past passed. settling into the stun. 

the cosmos honors soul thought; rings closer to my eternal sun.

the fork has spooned. the life a knife, cuts closer to the truth. 

relief and debrief, from the bored-room , I run.

the skeleton is always smiling

strip away the lands of time, 
these skins of mine and sit with me dear friend. take away the mask you know and replace it with your own. sit in the deep and grow roots, and then stand an oak. these bones, only a support for your cosmic cloak

Thursday, December 8, 2011

then came all...

And All of the Love of my Heart...

All of the breath of my Soul,
All of the money in the world,
All of the spaces within the Universe,
All of the history of the Earth...

Couldn't change the Truth of you and me.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Walk with me...

The ocean waves of traffic hum now from lamar blvd.

 A vee shaped flock of white birds lit up against the dark sky by 

such a bright lady of moon.

 Loitering in closed shop windows, dreaming of a workshop

 and an old house on the hill. 

The few drops of rain spring forth an occupation of star burst 

wildflowers, smiling in a spasm of ecstasy.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

the fine line between too much and too little

Sleep.... slleeeep.. wrestle the sleep monster.for me it is sometimes a struggle.

wake. dream. daydream. wake dreaming.  awaken from the dream and be glad it IS only a dream.

For two nights in a row I had a dream that I was boating in a canoe of sorts, wooden, medium sized.  I am cruising along in some rapids and there is mild panicking in some spots, its all fuzzy and hard to see ahead.

Then I reach this point where there are many folks wading waist deep in a different sort of water. It appears to be the edge of a dam. They are able to stand firm while the water rushes past. I come to this point and realize that I am riding a rapid and need to make it out of a chute of water and launch myself perfectly onto this dock to be able to disembark.

I feel little control and the weight of water as I am pushing against it in an attempt to drive.  I am fast approaching the dock, and the wading people are watching and making motions and hand signals and the situation has an impending heart racing and haunting quality to it.

I realize I am going to fall short of the proper speed to launch on the deal correctly and the water is still rushing quite fast, and the boat crashes and turns over.

The items in the canoe are swimming and sinking all around me.

I reach out to a hand being offered.

There is a calm silence. It is a stop of motion. All becomes still and I can only move my eyes and head while the rest of me is stopped stone cold. I move my eyes around the scene and take it all in.  I no longer have fear but the heart is still reacting from all of the excitement.

The hand and others come and support me and I am lifted out of the water.

Usually I can hear noises in my dreams, but this one is silent as if sound did not even exist.

Comfortable but over excited in the dream, I will myself awake. My eyes pop open and I am safe in bed.
I can almost feel the water receding, draining out of my room.

I think it was some sort of perfect heaven. My worldly possessions falling away as I reached out to the trusted, stranger's hand.

It falls in line with the recent Texas Wildfires.  We hold onto our homes, beloved objects, but in the end, as any of these are threatened, all that matters is your person and those around you. That same sense of loss and panic in my dream some of my friends and neighbors are facing now.  Run from your comfortable space, grab a hand and look towards the horizon.

I sense a huge wave of change heading my way. This change is welcomed.  I have been brewing it for some time. Working on my soul and searching and seeking within myself for the most desired outcome of this life journey.  I am making a move of house in early October and hope the Fall season will be kind in weather and opportunities.

I would like to have the dream again.
I would like to perform the landing of the canoe in the perfect way, but something tells me if I do have the dream again, the lesson is not in making a perfect landing.

The lesson is the gain from the loss. The gain from experience. The opening of a new pathway, one where my old boat is not welcomed.

Maybe I will get super sonic sneakers, maybe a magic carpet.... the thing is I just don't know....
and whatever I can conjure up won't be as amazing what actually transpires :)

Thursday, July 14, 2011

my dearest dearest Dana...


Dear Dana:
I witnessed your service of memorial yesterday. It was a beautiful gathering of kin and kinfolk. I loved being able to see your hands once again. You used them so expressively when you talked and laughed and told stories and hugged me. Your hands, they also touched your mat, which you loved so dearly. I love how you loved yoga and running into you there was usually the best part of my day. I hope you knew that. I hope that I energized you too. I hope my hugs reached you too. I know they did, but I have a sense of wonder... " Did you know how you were part of me and my experience"

Your sudden passing has wretched me and etched in my mind. The course of my reality changed forever. Your portrait in my landscape, and your angel on my shoulder. The deep learning I am gaining from this experience with you in my life and now gone has been like a masters course in the College of Life.  I cannot THANK YOU enough. 

I wanted to speak at your service, and many did: sharing stories, talking to your Family and expressing the essence of you in their life.  I did not get up to speak and later throughout my day I realized I wanted to speak to you.  I kept picturing you at a service for me and how you would be courageous and bold and talk about stories we shared.  I miss that we did not make more time together to make more memories. I cherish the hike you and Danielle and I took at St Edwards park, the times we spent at Kona Grill, talking about boys and wishing for men :) I remember when you made a red velvet cake for a client three times, because you didn't like the results. This was one of your Facebook postings and then I replied with a link to the Armadillo cakes with blood red filling and also a link to making Zombie skulls. It was so funny that we went from your cake making to Zombies. You sent me many encouraging quotes on Facebook and videos of Cats doing funny things.

I wanted you to meet my cats and see my house. We ran out of time, I invite you still.  You are welcome to visit me any time or place. Your spirit is my soul sister. I am aligned with you and speak this now.  

I was reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead and spoke some of the poems in your honor. I trust that you were wise and moved through whatever you needed to at the instant of your passing. 

Dana "Wise Woman" Wiseman, you were a warrior princess. When last we spoke I heard of your recent medical discovery, I recoiled, I drew inward. I do not know why I didn't reach out to you and offer the support that I wanted to. I thought I would have time to help you when you got more information. I also entertained a vision that your were free of pain and need not worry, that you would prevail as you always have. I don't know why I dropped that ball and this haunts me at moments.

One of the last messages between us and friends on Facebook you said...."
I have come to realize with everything I have been through in this lifetime is there is nothing I can not handle or get through.. Especially with good friends...."

I have learned that I need to express myself to my friends always and be present, show up and let them know always.  I offer this to you now. Late in the thread but still woven in the tapestry of the universe. Thank you Thank you Thank you for receiving me and allowing me in your life story. I will look for your spirit in the waft of the wind and in the sun rays peeking around corners and filtering through the clouds.  

We love you. S Veronica

Monday, May 23, 2011


Lately I have been vacillating between RAW and balanced. Going thru a cycle of sleep difficulty. Sometimes I sleep like a baby and sometimes I sleep like a newborn baby, if you catch my drift!
This past week or two I have been the fitful sleeper, unable to get to sleep very early and then stay asleep as long as I may want.  WHY am I telling you this you may be asking.... well it has afforded me that sort of inspiring insanity that only sleep deprivation plus stress and life experience can provide.....

Whammy! My younger sister just had a beautiful baby girl. We were on baby watch for one week past the due date and finally the call came in. It's time.

Well this called the fam into action. and the extended fam and the friends we call fam and the mountain of attention and clamor that follows good news.  I had several conversations with my parents throughout the day setting up our plans to give support. We were nervous and excited and there was a river of calm over the white water falls.  Everyone talking at once, thinking so many thoughts and trying to express logic from our hearts.

Time passed and I was called to the family waiting area of St David's hospital.  After picking up the especially requested after delivery meal of a thundercloud sub from the birth mother herself, I settled in with the in laws and my pater familia.  There was lots to discuss: getting me up to speed, sharing hopes and fears and "when you were little" stories. It was fun, but we were also clamoring for new news of the baby.  When finally we were ushered into Labor and Delivery room 4, I see the minutes old life form and deliver the very necessary meal to my sister. We catch up quickly and snap a few pics.

The baby is then taken to the nursery where they start poking and prodding and give her a first bath. So the conglomerated family is gathering there and the joy and bliss on everyone's faces is almost too much to bear.  I need to sit down.  I am tired and happy and hungry myself.  I did nothing to assist the birth but feel so connected to it.  We are watching through the window at the baby and she is being protected by her father right by her side.  The new grandmas and grandpas and aunts and phones buzzing with a tangible and palpable ether. We are communing on the Other side. On the other side of a wonderwall.

The emotion powerful and it touched me deeply, and caught me off guard.  It shone a spotlight on those sub issues of childhood and family times.  Issues meaning experiences and perceptions, getting needs met in a group of people stuck in a house(sometimes a car :) together... I drifted into a daydream, imagining everyone present, in their first minutes of life and being in the same situation. At the nursery, watched over by new parents, old folks, loving nurses and crotchety doctors?  Being taken in, bridging the gap, lifting the veil from what was to what is happening because life has just been born...

We stayed a while in awe of every movement and the mood of pure love. It just struck me in a weakened place and rocked me to the core.

I have spent a lot of time in my life numbing and short circuiting both good and bad experiences, pain and disappointments. Maybe more than the average bear, but not necessarily, as we all deal with what we deal with.  There is a saying that you will never be given more than you can handle. I have spent almost as much time and effort to reconnect these circuits.  Through spiritual journey, yoga practice and working with myself and others who fall into my journey.

Sometimes the RAW overtakes the balance. Sometimes the balance is boring and we don't know what we have.  Sometimes we forget and grasp too tightly and forget what we are even trying to hold onto.  Sometimes life is just a perfect bite and we can hardly even taste it all and don't want to swallow.

I thought I would find out more about how I feel about motherhood for myself,as it is a question all women must ask. Watching my sister pilot her journey into motherhood has been so sweet and she has done a might fine job, mighty fine!!  I am not one of those gals hearing a loud call to bring a child into the world and visit the question every so often.

 I am going to continue re-circuiting, making sure to have a special place for all my "family".

I think I will take one baby step at a time; which is really all we can ever do, even from our very first moments here on planet Earth.

Friday, May 20, 2011

to do list

i didn't mean to blow the lid off but i did.  my heart was hurt that the walls were up. hurt a lot. hemmed in with traffic and stress. nothing to do but sit and redress.  

when i talk i cannot find the right words to state the burning totem of my heart.  the words fumble into marbles. then i say some other fluff that turns into buffer and filth. 

what i wanted to say is that i am going to miss you.

i already do. how can i miss what is already not here.

i guess because i saw it so clear. a visage a mirage a view in some life line some timeline some image in my brain pan.  maybe a dream.  i dream of effortless words that swim from my tongue to the lakes of your ears and puddle at the core of your understanding.

i dread tomorrow because tonight i do not sleep. i dread next hour because i cannot cease to weep. i dread my dread because it causes me more dread.

the point the message was loud and clear.   satellites of the outer realm, not in the pack.  not one to age into the old. not to unfold the years and be layered into the rock of life sediment.

my destiny is loneliness. my tongue may as well be cut out with its uselessness.  

my brain may as well be knifed for its inability to render speech of any consequence that doesn't sound like a whinnying nag.

a new dawn. a new day. the clouds thick but breaking away.

a new breath holds a different light. the next breath a new life. the waves crashing only every few minutes now.

i seek to speak again with only positrons and electricity. use me for purpose.


~just journey~

Thursday, May 19, 2011

living in the grid

i want to wear you like my favorite tshirt.
i want to play a fuzzy sweater song; the kind you can put on and on and on.
the perfect shoe fits like a glove.

i want to drive fast in a fancy car.
i dream of travel; going away too far.
maybe to return on a shooting star.

i want to kiss and hug someone a little to long.
i want to find somewhere i belong.
that place where i can say and do little wrong.

i want to sit and be so still.
i want to run and dance and whip.
maybe find a stream and swim.

keeping options open, mind ajar.

or close it up and go within,  have happy hour inside my head.
lay down for too many days in bed.
forgo the invite, forget to clean.
maybe be nasty, rude, even mean.

does it even matter if no one hears you scream
does it even matter if they did.

does it?

i ask it to the abyss.
the reply comes echoed back and is this...

no and yes and yes and no.
you can come and you can go.
it doesn't matter what or when.
you can suck and you can blow.
because we just don't know.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

To Little Lady Laughlin-

I knew and loved your mother once
For a year—well, nine months
In the special way she knows you, too,
From deep inside, with feelings new.

She feels your moves, your jabs, your kicks.
Sometimes she'd swear your doing tricks.
You're in her womb and in her heart.
Yes, she has loved you from the start.

From Em's size we know you're growing.
Because of you her face is glowing.
Waiting patiently is Curt, your dad.
When you arrive he'll be so glad.

Grandmas, Grandpas, Uncles and Aunts
Are set to sing our Welcome Chant,
With open hearts and outstretched arms,
Embracing you with all your charms.

Cute and smart, a little stinky,
We'll be wrapped around your pinky.
Bat your lashes and wink your eye
It's doubtful that we won't comply.

Please let Mom sleep. She needs her rest.
For soon you'll put her to the test.
We all are eager, can you hear?
Just don't be late for your premier.

I hope this doesn't go to your head,
I hesitate, but it must be said.
Of this we're sure, we don't mean maybe,
Survey says, “You're one special baby.”

Love, Grandma Peggy Niksich
April 16, 2011

Thursday, April 14, 2011

fifth sense of love

I love...

turning right on red.
leaning over to pet the cat.
the sound of percolating coffee.
the smell of mist.
the belief of if.

I love...

a hug so tight.
smiling on the inside.
seeing plants and trees grow over time.
touching infinity.
seeing you in your own eye.
and running with the wind to nowhere fast.

I love...

the moment right before I fall asleep.
liquid sunshine dripping on my skin.
watching fire burn.
reading old notes.
your handwriting.
watching when you think I am not looking.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Georgetown Sun City Tennis League Champion

An Update from Sun City. Georgetown TX.

This Spring, MARCH 2011, Ron Niksich won the Mens A Tennis League Championship for a second time. He also competed and won this tournament last year. Congratulations Ron!!

Sun City Georgetown is a  community with a bounty of activity for its residents.  There are several golf courses, garden centers, community halls, events and sports leagues.  There is an extensive Tennis community that thrives here.  The residents have formed an intricate system of brackets and substitution rules and monitor this themselves in a professional manner.

He and his wife Peggy, have lived in this active retirement community for two years.  They both keep very busy with Tennis, Spanish, Jazzercise and the Sun City Singers. 

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Projections of separation

sub.  deep.  below. down down down the caverns of my mind.

i live there more and more of the time.

it is hard to reach me there enfolded unto myself.

it is hard to see me there emboldened with ninja stealth.

you may see me but not be near me and not get in my game.

it is like pulling a nut through a knot hole and pull it through again.

busy like a rabbit, buzzy like a bee, I wouldn't wish that anyone is compelled to this degree.

constant humming, mental drumming, this body is numbing due to pain.

all imagined, all conjured, unreal and it cycles through this warped brain.

far from the source, continues the morphs and then stiffen to the corpse i have become.

it is a godsend i dont believe in guns.

because this particular instance is not any fun.

because this particular instance is not any fun.