Monday, May 23, 2011


Lately I have been vacillating between RAW and balanced. Going thru a cycle of sleep difficulty. Sometimes I sleep like a baby and sometimes I sleep like a newborn baby, if you catch my drift!
This past week or two I have been the fitful sleeper, unable to get to sleep very early and then stay asleep as long as I may want.  WHY am I telling you this you may be asking.... well it has afforded me that sort of inspiring insanity that only sleep deprivation plus stress and life experience can provide.....

Whammy! My younger sister just had a beautiful baby girl. We were on baby watch for one week past the due date and finally the call came in. It's time.

Well this called the fam into action. and the extended fam and the friends we call fam and the mountain of attention and clamor that follows good news.  I had several conversations with my parents throughout the day setting up our plans to give support. We were nervous and excited and there was a river of calm over the white water falls.  Everyone talking at once, thinking so many thoughts and trying to express logic from our hearts.

Time passed and I was called to the family waiting area of St David's hospital.  After picking up the especially requested after delivery meal of a thundercloud sub from the birth mother herself, I settled in with the in laws and my pater familia.  There was lots to discuss: getting me up to speed, sharing hopes and fears and "when you were little" stories. It was fun, but we were also clamoring for new news of the baby.  When finally we were ushered into Labor and Delivery room 4, I see the minutes old life form and deliver the very necessary meal to my sister. We catch up quickly and snap a few pics.

The baby is then taken to the nursery where they start poking and prodding and give her a first bath. So the conglomerated family is gathering there and the joy and bliss on everyone's faces is almost too much to bear.  I need to sit down.  I am tired and happy and hungry myself.  I did nothing to assist the birth but feel so connected to it.  We are watching through the window at the baby and she is being protected by her father right by her side.  The new grandmas and grandpas and aunts and phones buzzing with a tangible and palpable ether. We are communing on the Other side. On the other side of a wonderwall.

The emotion powerful and it touched me deeply, and caught me off guard.  It shone a spotlight on those sub issues of childhood and family times.  Issues meaning experiences and perceptions, getting needs met in a group of people stuck in a house(sometimes a car :) together... I drifted into a daydream, imagining everyone present, in their first minutes of life and being in the same situation. At the nursery, watched over by new parents, old folks, loving nurses and crotchety doctors?  Being taken in, bridging the gap, lifting the veil from what was to what is happening because life has just been born...

We stayed a while in awe of every movement and the mood of pure love. It just struck me in a weakened place and rocked me to the core.

I have spent a lot of time in my life numbing and short circuiting both good and bad experiences, pain and disappointments. Maybe more than the average bear, but not necessarily, as we all deal with what we deal with.  There is a saying that you will never be given more than you can handle. I have spent almost as much time and effort to reconnect these circuits.  Through spiritual journey, yoga practice and working with myself and others who fall into my journey.

Sometimes the RAW overtakes the balance. Sometimes the balance is boring and we don't know what we have.  Sometimes we forget and grasp too tightly and forget what we are even trying to hold onto.  Sometimes life is just a perfect bite and we can hardly even taste it all and don't want to swallow.

I thought I would find out more about how I feel about motherhood for myself,as it is a question all women must ask. Watching my sister pilot her journey into motherhood has been so sweet and she has done a might fine job, mighty fine!!  I am not one of those gals hearing a loud call to bring a child into the world and visit the question every so often.

 I am going to continue re-circuiting, making sure to have a special place for all my "family".

I think I will take one baby step at a time; which is really all we can ever do, even from our very first moments here on planet Earth.

Friday, May 20, 2011

to do list

i didn't mean to blow the lid off but i did.  my heart was hurt that the walls were up. hurt a lot. hemmed in with traffic and stress. nothing to do but sit and redress.  

when i talk i cannot find the right words to state the burning totem of my heart.  the words fumble into marbles. then i say some other fluff that turns into buffer and filth. 

what i wanted to say is that i am going to miss you.

i already do. how can i miss what is already not here.

i guess because i saw it so clear. a visage a mirage a view in some life line some timeline some image in my brain pan.  maybe a dream.  i dream of effortless words that swim from my tongue to the lakes of your ears and puddle at the core of your understanding.

i dread tomorrow because tonight i do not sleep. i dread next hour because i cannot cease to weep. i dread my dread because it causes me more dread.

the point the message was loud and clear.   satellites of the outer realm, not in the pack.  not one to age into the old. not to unfold the years and be layered into the rock of life sediment.

my destiny is loneliness. my tongue may as well be cut out with its uselessness.  

my brain may as well be knifed for its inability to render speech of any consequence that doesn't sound like a whinnying nag.

a new dawn. a new day. the clouds thick but breaking away.

a new breath holds a different light. the next breath a new life. the waves crashing only every few minutes now.

i seek to speak again with only positrons and electricity. use me for purpose.


~just journey~

Thursday, May 19, 2011

living in the grid

i want to wear you like my favorite tshirt.
i want to play a fuzzy sweater song; the kind you can put on and on and on.
the perfect shoe fits like a glove.

i want to drive fast in a fancy car.
i dream of travel; going away too far.
maybe to return on a shooting star.

i want to kiss and hug someone a little to long.
i want to find somewhere i belong.
that place where i can say and do little wrong.

i want to sit and be so still.
i want to run and dance and whip.
maybe find a stream and swim.

keeping options open, mind ajar.

or close it up and go within,  have happy hour inside my head.
lay down for too many days in bed.
forgo the invite, forget to clean.
maybe be nasty, rude, even mean.

does it even matter if no one hears you scream
does it even matter if they did.

does it?

i ask it to the abyss.
the reply comes echoed back and is this...

no and yes and yes and no.
you can come and you can go.
it doesn't matter what or when.
you can suck and you can blow.
because we just don't know.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

To Little Lady Laughlin-

I knew and loved your mother once
For a year—well, nine months
In the special way she knows you, too,
From deep inside, with feelings new.

She feels your moves, your jabs, your kicks.
Sometimes she'd swear your doing tricks.
You're in her womb and in her heart.
Yes, she has loved you from the start.

From Em's size we know you're growing.
Because of you her face is glowing.
Waiting patiently is Curt, your dad.
When you arrive he'll be so glad.

Grandmas, Grandpas, Uncles and Aunts
Are set to sing our Welcome Chant,
With open hearts and outstretched arms,
Embracing you with all your charms.

Cute and smart, a little stinky,
We'll be wrapped around your pinky.
Bat your lashes and wink your eye
It's doubtful that we won't comply.

Please let Mom sleep. She needs her rest.
For soon you'll put her to the test.
We all are eager, can you hear?
Just don't be late for your premier.

I hope this doesn't go to your head,
I hesitate, but it must be said.
Of this we're sure, we don't mean maybe,
Survey says, “You're one special baby.”

Love, Grandma Peggy Niksich
April 16, 2011